just another random shoot

gravity pulls and
we fall from the clouds
we prove to eachother
that we’re both human now
the time that we spent
trying to make sense of it all

now we walk together
knowing where we’ve been
knowing mistakes are being mistaken again
it’s in the past tense
there is no making sense of it now

in the still of your hands
anything can happen now
with every beat of my heart
love speaks in silence

in the still of your hands
anything is possible
with every beat of my heart

the time that we spent
trying to make sense, of it all

all that i’m asking for
is that you need nothing more
and nothing comes in between
our love and it’s fragile, see
all that i’m asking for
you’re all that i’m asking for

All That I’m Asking For – Lifehouse

Is it that hard to understand??

*** 30 mins after ***

Gue: “Hummmm…kamu dmana ya???”
Dia: “Di hatimu…..Skypenya msh off?”
Gue: “Hahaha…I know you’re there…but I don’t think I have Skype installed in my heart yet…”

A week after that, I tried it again. Same result, but at least I finished my first 3K. 2 weeks after that, it was better…3 weeks after that…even much better…and so on. And so I run..

It doesn’t matter if I run with my friends or alone. It doesn’t matter if I run day or night. It doesn’t matter if I’m tired or not. It doesn’t matter no matter what….Because I run for myself.

Because when I run, I put everything behind
Because when I run, it’s just me and the finish line
Because when I run, I don’t need to think about anything
Because when I run, I use my heart to pump not to feel
Because when I run, I can scream without a sound
Because when I run, I’m running out of breath not running out of hope
Because when I run, all tears can hide behind every sweat
Because when I run, it may hurts, but all parts feel the pain
Because when I run, I just don’t care

And when I finally reach the finish line…everything seems to be clear….even just for a while

*for anyone who has a rough week, do your “run”…

Anyway…happy one month…

Setelah pamitan, check-in, dia bergegas ke kantor bebas fiskal. Niatnya ingin menunjukkan NPWP ke petugas di kantor tersebut, tp ditengah jalan, di bagian imigrasi, dia berpikiran,  “Kan udah ada EP & Visa di belakang passport, test langsung aja apa ya??”. Dengan modal nekat dan pertimbangan paling kalo gagal disuruh ngurusin bebas fiskalnya dulu, dihampirinya petugas di pintu masuk imigrasi tersebut. “Kalo udah ada ini masih perlu ngurus bebas fiskal ga, Pak??”, tanyanya sambil nyodorin EP dan Visa di passportnya. “Oke Pak, langsung saja”, jawab petugas itu.

“Seharusnya gue cobain dari dulu deh, jadi ga musti ngantri ngurus bebas fiskal”, bisiknya dalam hati. Well, the power of trying gitu loh. Setelah cap dan basa-basi dengan petugas imigrasi, Jono berlalu menuju gate D5.

Seperti biasa, ruang tunggu mulai ditunggui oleh penunggunya. Mulai dari bule sampe pribumi, petugas sampai penumpang, tentara sampai bandit, hingga gaib sampe nyata, semuanya numpuk di ruangan itu. Celingak-celinguk, Jono pun nyari posisi buat duduk. Taruh tas, keluarin buku, dengerin musik, Jono pun mulai autis.

Tapi, seautis-autisnya Jono, dia tetap memperhatikan orang (mungkin definisi autis perlu dipertimbangkan ulang). Mulai dari cewe dengan style anak kuliahan, pasangan bule cewe & pribumi cowo yg umurnya kira-kira sepantaran, 3 tentara yg macho sampai ibu-ibu yg sedang nenangin anaknya yg menangis tak luput dari perhatiannya. “What de hell”, bisiknya.

“bla bla bla…siapkan boarding pass Anda…bla bla bla”, tereak petugas. Penunggu-pun mulai berdiri ngantri sekenanya dengan boarding pass di tangan kanan, Heineken di tangan kiri, eh!! Jono pun melangkah  memasuki pesawat.

Lagi-lagi sperti biasanya, penumpang pada sibuk naruh barang di compartment. Ga heran jadi berasa ngantri di toilet. “Do you need a hand??”, “Let me help you with that”, Jono pun sigap ngebantuin para wanita-wanita yg ga tau diri maksa bawa koper ke dalam. Mungkin para wanita-wanita itu berpikir betapa gentleman-nya Jono, tp sebenarnya, Jono hanya ingin cepat-cepat duduk di kursinya 23D. Tak lebih, tapi banyak kurangnya.

Setelah melewati bagian tengah, Jono tersendat lg di deretan 21, ternyata si cewe-style-anak-kuliahan tadi lg pengen naikin kopernya ke compartment. Lagi, “Let me help you..it looks heavy”, sapa Jono. Terlihat jelas wajah si cewe-style-anak-kuliahan tadi yg merona karna tersipu dibantuin Jono. Tp sebenarnya, Jono hanya ingin cepat-cepat duduk di kursinya 23D. Tak lebih, tapi banyak kurangnya.

Beres dengan kopernya, si cewe-style-anak-kuliahan tadi menuju tempat duduknya, 22B (padahal sekilas ukurannya sperti 32B). Ya…Jono kadang emang suka iseng kalo ngeliatin orang. Lagipula si cewe-style-anak-kuliahan ini emang daritadi megang boarding pass-nya. Anyway, ketika si cewe-style-anak-kuliahan tadi hendak duduk, ternyata ada pasangan bule cewe & pribumi cowo tadi. Si cowo duduk di 22A, si cewe duduk di 22B, dan 22C masih kosong. Lalu ketika si cewe-style-anak-kuliahan tadi mau duduk di seat 22B yg memang adalah tempat duduk dia, si bule cewe ngemeng, “This is my seat. I’m sitting here”. Sontak saja Jono bingung, apalagi si cewe-style-anak-kuliahan tadi.

Tak ingin hanyut dalam situasi awkward tadi, secara si cewe-style-anak-kuliahan bener-bener speechless, si bule cewe juga cuek, dan si cowok pribumi-pun ga berani ngomong, akhirnya Jono maju mencoba menengahi. “Can i see your boarding pass, Miss??”, tanya Jono ke si cewe-style-anak-kuliahan tadi. Sebenarnya si Jono hanya basa-basi nanyain nomor tempat duduknya, toh daritadi dia sudah lihat, Jono hanya ingin menguatkan argumennya ke si cewe bule tadi. Merasa terbantu, si cewe-style-anak-kuliahan tadi nyodorin boarding pass-nya. Sekali lg, Jono bukan berniat membantu, hanya ingin cepat-cepat duduk di kursinya 23D. Tak lebih, tapi banyak kurangnya.

“Look, she is sitting on 22B. It is listed here. Where’s your boarding pass??”, tanya Jono ke si bule cewe. Mungkin karna merasa ga punya bukti bahwa dia duduk di 22B, si cewe bule berusaha menjelaskan, “I already told the officer. We are supposed sitting together. There’s just something wrong with the system.”. Sebenarnya, Jono juga tau kalo kesalahannya ada pada si petugas tolol itu. Jelas-jelas si cewe bule & cowo pribumi tadi datang berdua, kenapa tempat duduknya dipisahin??

“Ok look, I can understand that. Shit happens in your life, so be it!! But where the hell is your seat?? Because we can’t let this lady just standing here??”, tanya Jono dengan nada mulai meninggi, kesal. “Show him your boarding pass”, omong si cowo pribumi. Dari situ keliatan betul kalo si cowo pribumi itu orang Jawa, entah Jogja, entah Tegal, si Jono tak ambil pusing.  “I don’t know, 6 something…”, jawab si cewe bule sekenanya.

“WHATT??”, sontak saja Jono sedikit emosi. “Udah duduk di kursi orang, giliran ditanya duduk dimana, malah dijawab setengah hati. Dasar bule norak!!”, umpat Jono dalam hati. Mungkin si cewe-style-anak-kuliahan tadi juga malas berdebat, akhirnya diturunin lg kopernya trus diseretnya melawan arus masuk menuju seat 6 something td. Kesal..Jono benar-benar kesal.

Pertama, Jono merasa si cewe bule bener-bener ga punya manner. Belom lagi si cowo pribumi yg walopun logatnya Jawa, yg katanya lembut dan sopan, banyak bengongnya seolah-olah ga ikut bertanggung jawab. Ditambah lagi dengan si cewe-style-anak-kuliahan yg mau nerima gitu aja perlakuan si bule cewe. “Kenapa dia ga ngotot minta si bule cewe bawain tas dia ke tempat duduk 6 something tadi?”, tanya Jono dalam hati. Dunia ga adil bgt ya!!

Merasa kehilangan alasan untuk terus berdebat, akhirnya Jono berlalu menuju tempat duduknya. Toh dia bukan berniat membantu, hanya ingin cepat-cepat duduk di kursinya 23D. Tak lebih, tapi banyak kurangnya.

Tadi bingung pas ngisi form pendaftaran…nomor tlp kamar gue berapa ya??
Kenapa dulu ga dicatet??
Yaaa…gitu deh…

Belakangan tidur ga enak euy…
Kok bisa??
Yaaa…gitu deh…

Haii….
Gimana kabarnya??
Yaaa…gitu deh…

Ehh…mirip!!
Ama siapa??
Yaaa…gitu deh…

Ternyata apply Passion Card di community center ga ribet…
Oh ya??!!
Yaaa…gitu deh…

The Walking Dead bolehlah dicobain buat ditonton.
Ceritanya tentang apa??
Yaaa…gitu deh

Emangnya bisa digituin??
Apanya??
Yaaa…gitu deh…

Pengen ke Jakarta…
Tapi??
Yaaa…gitu deh…

Ngaco neh!! Pulang ahh!!
Lohh??
Yaaa…gitu aja deh!!

*Trus ada yg tereak….”Kalo GA NIAT cerita ngapain ditulis!!!!”*

I want you to stay with me like I’ll stay with you…

I want you to care about me like I’ll care about you…

I want you to be honest with me like I’ll be honest with you…

I want you to be patient with me like I’ll be patient with you…

And I want you to feel me as much as I feel you…

And the journey begins….

Then, if we’re lucky, (only) once in our life, we made our biggest mistake. Big enough to drown us. Big enough to trap us. Big enough to hurt us. Even big enough to make us think, that this is the end. Still…we write our journey down, page by page.

By this mistake, we can’t move backward, but nowhere to go forward. By this mistake, we can’t undo, but there’s nothing to do. By this mistake, we can’t forget, but it’s hurt to remember. There…We’re stuck!! Tired..

Then, if we’re lucky, there’ll be the time when we say, “ENOUGH!!! ENOUGH WITH THIS SHIT!!!”

We start over again. Put one step in front of the other. Slowly…we move forward. Still…we write our journey down, page by page.

6 months later…we’re different. Best case scenario, we’ve become wiser, smarter, tougher…in short…better. For sure, we don’t repeat our mistakes again. Still…we write our journey down, page by page.

And then…we share this book with someone else…a very special one

Some, will sit there and read it for him/her…

Some, will give it away, and wait for him/her outside…

Some, will show part of it…only part of it…Because they’re different now. And that’s what matters to them. The rest is not important. It’s just the past…JUST!! But deep down they know, they can’t runaway from their past. Because they wrote it down, page by page. And no matter what, the page will always be there.

“The past can’t hurt you anymore. Not unless you let it.”…that’s what they said. Well…Are they sure that it will not hurt him/her??

“It’s not who you were..it’s who you are!!”…Yeah, we are protecting ourself, protecting our feeling. Because no one wants to get hurt. But be honest, can we runaway from it?? Can we really let it go?? Can we??

Sometimes, some stories are better left unspoken..some truths are better left untold…So just look away…just look away!!

But I know it’s there

I can see it….I can feel it

I know that something has changed

Something that makes me smile randomly

Something that makes me hurt easily

Something that makes my days surprisingly fun

Something that makes my days ruthlessly torturing

Something yet so simple but totally complicated

I don’t like it….I hate it….I should have walked away from it

Cause I used to take control of my everything, not overtaken by something

Cause I used to think clearly, not to feel sensitively

Cause I used to walk freely, not to act protectively

Cause I used to be just me, not better than me

I don’t like it….I hate it….I should have walked away from it

But I don’t want to let it go….

I don’t want to let her go….

Allahu akbar… Allahu akbar… Allahu akbar

Laa illaaha illallahu allahu akbar

Allahu akbar walilla ilhamdu

Ya, genap sudah 1 bulan kita berpuasa, menahan lapar & dahaga, terutama hawa nafsu & emosi.

Hanya ucapan mohon maaf lahir bathin yg bisa gue ucapkan, semoga semua amal dan ibadah kita semua diterima di sisi-Nya.